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April 28, 2006

Etiquette for Cats

1.  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2.  Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.

4.  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5.  For guests that say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6.  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7.  If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8.  For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.


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Punny Bone

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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April 26, 2006

Papers

Papers

Dave may have been thinking of himself and not Richard when he posted this cartoon, but it seems appropriate for My Messy Desk.

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April 21, 2006

A collection of English Langauge Humour Bits

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...
If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.


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April 07, 2006

Myers-Briggs Prayers

Bene Diction posted these "prayers" three or four years ago, I posted this somewhere on the Messy Desk and I know the list is floating around the web in numerous places.

  • ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 a.m. E.S.T.
  • ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
  • ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
  • ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.
  • ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
  • ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
  • ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
  • ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.
  • INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist (did I spell that correctly?).
  • INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta
  • ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.
  • ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?
  • INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, WRONG though they may be.
  • INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.
  • ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
  • ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

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Punny Bone

I fired my masseuse; she just rubbed me the wrong way.

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April 01, 2006

Contextual Dating - Google Gets Into the Romance Business

Google to Organize World's Courtship Information with Google Romance
Service to offer psychographic matchmaking plus free “contextual dating” option

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif., April 1, 2006 - Google Inc. (NASDAQ: GOOG) today announced the launch of Google Romance™, a new product that offers users both a psychographic matchmaking service and all-expenses-paid dates for couples who agree to experience contextually relevant advertising throughout the course of their evening.

"Our mission, as you might have heard, is to organize the world's information," said Jonathan Rosenberg, Google's senior vice president, product management. "And let's face it: in what area of life is the world's information more disorganized than romance? We thought we could use our search technology to help you find that special someone, then send you on a date and use contextual ads to help you, ya know - close the deal."

Google Romance users who find one another via Soulmate Search™ may then select the Contextual Dating option, which offers an all-expenses-paid romantic evening in exchange for viewing contextually relevant advertising throughout the course of the users' date (learn more). "Our internal projections say Contextual Dating is going to be unbelievably huge, just a total cash cow," said Google CEO Eric Schmidt in prepared remarks placed into the notes section of an executive PowerPoint presentation and intended solely for internal use but promptly leaked onto the web and then roundly mocked on Digg and Slashdot. The product, a beta release currently residing on Google Labs, can be experimented with at www.google.com/romance/.

From: Google Press Center: Press Release

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March 31, 2006

The Best April Fool's Pranks of All Time

Don't be fooled by anything tomorrow. Here are the top ten April Fool's pranks from the Museum of Hoaxes' Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes Of All Time. If you want to know how not to pull a prank, read Top 10 Worst April Fool's Day Hoaxes Ever.

  1. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
  2. Sidd Finch
  3. Instant Color TV
  4. The Taco Liberty Bell
  5. San Serriffe
  6. Nixon for President
  7. Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
  8. The Left-Handed Whopper
  9. Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
  10. Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity

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Punny Bone

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first patient in a bed.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race..."
.
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
.
Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beastie,
O the panic in thy breastie,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
.
Now quite troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor,
"This is the Serious Burns Unit."
 

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March 24, 2006

The Birth Order of Children

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing For Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change his diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change his diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to his knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.


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Punny Bone

The restaurant at the karate club was serving chops.


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March 23, 2006

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Are you looking for that perfect compliment to build someone's self-esteem? Look no further. The Surrealist Compliment Generator will spit out that just-right phrase each time you reload the page. Here are just a few of these gems:
  • You wear your ears well, true to the testament of loose fitting flesh.
  • Your face does bend even the most anorexic mirror into a sensuous playground of muscular spasms.
  • Your dandruff falls like the fixtures within a scenic railway passing through a thousand bearded rainbows...
  • Your presence reminds one of a blind jackal, eternally dependent upon misguided archbishops to provide instruction in bowling.
  • Your eyelids reflect and refract the turgid limnations of an eel trapped in the flickering paralysis of Chaplin's cinematography.
  • Your elbow patches rumble with a fear reminiscent of mayonnaise cradled in scotchguard.


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March 17, 2006

Laws of the Natural Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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Punny Bone

How do you tuna fish?

You adjust its scales.

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March 10, 2006

Choir Proficiency Test

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1) You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:

  1. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
  2. Pretend that you've had a heart attack.
  3. Crawl into the nearest chair.
  4. Begin speaking in tongues.

2) You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high "C" one measure too soon. You should:

  1. Slide into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
  2. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
  3. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
  4. Sink to the floor in shame.

3) After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

  1. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistery.
  2. Enter pretending to be a sound-man checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
  3. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
  4. Read M. Stephen's pamphlet "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."

4) While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:

  1. Hum for your life.
  2. Sing "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
  3. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
  4. Sing the first page over again.

5) Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:

  1. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbour's foot to create a diversion.
  2. Try to make it harmonize.
  3. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
  4. Sink to the floor in shame. 

Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

  • 4 or more A's...there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
  • 4 or more B's...your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
  • 4 or more C's...your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to almost any choir.
  • 4 or more D's...it is recommended you take-up knitting or get into therapy.

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Punny Bone

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

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March 03, 2006

Everything I needed to know I learned on the Internet

(with apologies to Robert Fulghum)

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt... then things get worse.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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Punny Bone

Dyslexics of the world untie!

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March 01, 2006

Here's a guide to the rules of Cricket

Darren is getting excited about a new blog devoted to the sport of cricket. For those of you who find the sport of Cricket incomprehensible, here's a guide to the rules of Cricket that should help:

  • You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
  • Each man that's in the side that's in, goes out, and when he's out, he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
  • When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
  • Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
  • When both sides have been in and out including the not-outs, that's the end of the game.

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Bene Diction is the Weather Man

BD’s identity is secret no longer. He’s the guy that controls the weather! Monday evening I posted this comment to his blog, requesting some of the snow fall Ontario received to be sent our way. Tuesday, this happened in Edmonton. Coincidence? I think not!

I’ll not be messing with someone this powerful.

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February 24, 2006

New Rules Of The Office, effective immediately...

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 1 and Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is completed.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

Originally posted February 2003

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February 17, 2006

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Kite sales hit an all-time high.

Fish sales were floundering.

Yoyos were going up and down.

Yachts were all wet.

Playground equipment went on a slide.

Ice machines were frozen solid.

Paper shredders were tearing up the market.

Fencing was having a field day.

Windows were breaking all records.

Javelin sales had missed the mark.

Hunting equipment is being scoped out.

Gravel futures are bumping along.

Airplanes have gone sky high.

Parachutes seem to be drifting.

Frog legs took a jump.

Medical supplies increased microscopically.

Jazz sales are swinging right along.

Cannonballs are simply exploding.

Diamonds are starting to sparkle.

Rubberband sales are tight.

Suspenders are just holding their own.

Mouse sales have been squeaking by.

Books have just about recovered.

Running shorts are now on track.

Seat belt sales have been constricted.

Building supplies are going up.

Glue seem to be stuck.

Candy futures are looking sweet.

Valium sales are depressed.

Steering wheels have turned the corner.

Kitchenware is really cooking.

Spatulas are experiencing a big turnover.

Hydraulic jacks are slowly going up.

Bed sheets are selling short.

Boxer short futures won't be brief.

Clock sales are ticking along nicely.

Railroads are now on track.

Golf carts are about par right now.

Sandpaper is having a rough time.

Nails are taking a real hammering.

Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turnaround.

Soap has been slipping badly.

Shampoo is down a hair.

Springs are bouncing back.

Cracker sales are crumbling.

Energy issues are shocking.

Dryers are spinning out of control.

Washing machines are just going through a cycle.

Exercise equipment companies are sweating.

Food profits are being eaten away.

Medical supplies do not look healthy.

Bricks are looking good on Wall Street.

Ladders are beginning to lean a little.

Cardboard boxes are packing it in.

Electric fan sales are breezing by.

Tractors are ploughing right along.

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Punny bone

I wanted to be a hotel clerk, but I had some reservations.

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February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Cartoon

Judging from the anti-flowers sentiment expressed by the ladies, at coffee break today, this is an apt cartoon.


[Click on the image for the full sized version]

From Dave Walker at the Cartoon Blog

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February 10, 2006

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  15. A wife?…NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Re-posted from July 11, 2003

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Punny Bone

The oldest known motorcycle? In the Old Testament, when “Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.”

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February 03, 2006

It's a Dog's Life: Dog Quotes

  • "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill
  • "In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown
  • "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." --Dave Barry
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx
  • "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley
  • "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
  • "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley
  • "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
  • "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler
  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
  • "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce
  • "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --Ben Williams
  • "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey
  • "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown
  • "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown
  • "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley
  • "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson
  • "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney
  • "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain
  • "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
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Punny Bone

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

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January 27, 2006

Maxims for the Internet Age

  • Home is where you hang your @.
  • The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
  • C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.
  • Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the site.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • A chat has nine lives.
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up must come down.
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  • There's no place like http://www.home.com.
  • Know what to expect before you connect.
  • Oh, what a tangled Web we weave when first we practice.
  • Speed thrills.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

From Mikey’s Funnies

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Punny Bone

In honour of Mozart’s birthday:

"Carmen get it!" Bizet yelled as he pulled out his Chopin Liszt. The piano was baroque, and the Handel on the violin fell off after the canon hit it. Needless to say, the whole staff got into treble; it was key that they performed their parts well.

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January 20, 2006

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point your hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
  7. Finish all your sentences with,  "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
  8. Don't use any punctuation
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. With a serious face, order diet water whenever you go out to eat.
  11. Specify that your Drive-through order is "To Go."
  12. Sing along at the Opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,... Rock Bottom.
  17. When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!
  18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
  19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
  20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile.....

It's Called  Therapy.

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Punny Bone

Delegate —A barrier to stop unauthorised access to the delicatessen.

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January 13, 2006

The Wisdom of George Carlin

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Punny Bone

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

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January 12, 2006

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I’m glad I didn’t say that!: Ten Boners from Famous Christians >>from Kim at connexions.

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January 10, 2006

Ten Reasons Why You Should Marry a Geek

From Robert Scoble’s wife Maryamie: In Defense of Geeks or Ten Reasons Why You Should Date a Geek

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January 06, 2006

The Last Photo I Ever Took

Wood

(I didn't really take this snap.)

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Anti-crime slogans for the real world

  • Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
  • Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
  • No radio. Already stolen.
  • Thank you for pot smoking.
  • Drugs are for those who can't handle reality. Reality is for those who can't role play.
  • I don't believe in violence, so don't make me kill you
  • I say "no" to drugs but they just won't listen!
  • I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
  • Only users lose drugs
  • Don't steal. The government hates competition.
  • Fight Crime. Shoot back!
  • Warning: Trespassers Will Be Shot - Survivors Will Be Prosecuted
  • Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
  • Please don't hit me -- My lawyer's in jail.
  • Thieves will be beaten, stabbed and stomped. Survivors will be prosecuted.
  • Police: Helping perps fall down stairs since 1853.
  • My kid's an honor student...yes your honor...no contest your honor..nice tie your honor.
  • D.A.R.E : Drugs Are Really Exciting

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