How to Give a Eulogy or Funeral Tribute
- Image by Denis Collette…!!! via Flickr
Last week I posted about giving a farewell speech and noted the emotional difficulty that can be inherent in that type of speech. An even more difficult speech to give is a eulogy or tribute at a funeral. This is also a type of farewell, but for the benefit of those who have lost someone of note from their lives.
Giving a eulogy is taxing. On one hand, you want to give a final gift to the person who has died. On the other hand, you’re trying to put your emotions and memories into words. It’s the act of giving voice to your memories which makes this speech difficult. Take time to work through the process.
Here are some tips to help prepare and give the funeral speech:
- Honour the person. While it is emotionally taxing, your speech pays tribute to someone you liked and will miss. It is a chance to say how much that person meant to you.
- Structure your speech to something concrete. How do you see your friend? Did they have a hobby or a job that could be the basis of your tribute? For example, paying tribute to someone who was an enthusiastic photographer: you could have some photos display. You could use the pictures to describe the person’s life. Make a plan to give the tribute a framework and help you through the speech.
- Tell how you knew the person. Are you a family member? Did you go to school together? Were you workmates? Establish your connection for friends or family who don’t know you.
- Select those memories that most remind you of the person. Your are trying to paint a verbal picture of someone giving others a glimpse their qualities. Choose one or two good memories: a joke shared, a camping trip, favourite activities together. It’s all right to smile as you remember the good times; it’s a way of keeping that person in your life.
- Keep it short. Don’t strain your emotional reserves. Present your memories, say that you will miss your friend, and finish. That’s often the hardest part.
Emotions are all right. It’s to be expected during a eulogy. You should be prepared to feel the constricting of your throat, which means tears are on the way. If you practise, you will know which words and phrases are likely to trigger tears, and you will be ready. Pause. Breathe. Tell yourself You’re okay. People will wait. This is a hard speech, but with proper preparation it can provide catharsis at a difficult time.
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When my father was killed in a car accident two weeks before my wedding, I certainly had no intention of getting up in front of the church and saying anything, but in the days between the accident and the funeral, I was kept awake by one thought: there are so, so many ways this could have been worse.
I’d seen my mother and three grandparents waste away before they died, and I had been afraid of watching my dad do the same, so as horrible as that midnight phone call was, it meant my last memories of my dad were of him bright-eyed, alert, and healthy.
Moreover, even though I missed having him walk me down the aisle, the fact that he was killed instantly meant his suffering was limited.
I summed up both of these ideas in the eulogy as “I’m thankful his death wasn’t a prolonged nightmare of dementia, machines, and living wills.” I was afraid at the time it would make me sound too detached, but I got nothing but thanks from dozens of people.