A corporate executive on holiday in a small Greek seacoast village was strolling by the docks and drinking in the local colour. He complimented one fisherman on the quality of his catch.

“How long did it take you to get all those fish?” he wondered.

“Not very long,” answered the Greek. “An hour or two.”

“Then why didn’t you stay out longer to catch more?”

Shrugging, the Greek explained that his catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The executive asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a nap with my wife. In the evening, I go to the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and sing songs. I have a full life.”

The executive said, “I have an MBA from Harvard. I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You’ll catch extra fish that you can sell. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring you, you can buy a second boat and a third one, and so on, until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can ship fish to markets all around the world. In time, you can then move to New York City to direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the executive.

“And after that?”

“When your business gets really big, you can sell stock and make millions!” exclaimed the executive with zeal.

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a small village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a nap with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing, and playing the bouzouki with your friends.”

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1. To Kill A Walking Bird
2. My Best Friend’s Dressing
3. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
4. Casserolablanca
5. The Fabulous Baster Boys
6. Hungry Men
7. Silence of the Yams
8. For Love of The Game Hen
9. I Know What You Ate Last Winter
10. All the President’s Menu
11. White Meat Can’t Jump
12. When Harry Met Salad
13. The Story of U.S.
14. The Wing and I

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1. You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield.”
2. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
3. You drink Pop, not Soda.
4. You know that a Mickey and 2-4’s mean, “party at the camp, eh!”
5. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
6. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
7. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
8. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
9. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell and Pamela Anderson are all Canadians.
10. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
11. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is pronounced “Zed”.
12. Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.
14. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.
15. You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’. (Alas, no longer. ;-( )
16. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”
17. Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
18. You know that we don’t all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
19. Every murder is reported.
20. You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.

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Recommended: Zen to Done Productivity eBook The Ultimate Simple Productivity System

Image by Ian McKenzie via Flickr

Posted in Friday Funny

Here are some alternate titles for popular Christmas Carols and songs. What are the correct titles? Answers later today

1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis:
2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise:
3. Minuscule hamlet in the far east:
4. Ancient benevolent despot:
5. Adorn the vestibule:
6. Exuberance directed to the planet:
7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing:
8. Monarchical trio:
9. Yonder in the haystack:
10. Assemble, everyone who believes:
11. Hallowed post meridian:
12. Fantasies of a colourless December 25th:
13. Argentum tintinnabulums:
14. A dozen 24-hour yule periods:
15. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour:
16. Homo sapien of crystallized vapour:
17. I merely desire a pair of incisors:
18. I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red:
19. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy:
20. Aloft on the acme of the abode:
21. Bleached Yule:
22. Castaneous coloured Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration:
23. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors:
24. Righteous Darkness:
25. Arrival Time – 2400 hrs – Weather – Cloudless:
26. Loyal Followers Advance:
27. Far Off in a Feeder:
28. Array the Corridor:
29. Bantam Male Percussionist:
30. Nocturnal Noiselessness:
31. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers:
32. Red Man En Route to Borough:
33. Frozen Precipitation Commence:
34. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle:
35. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant:
36. Delight for this Planet:
37. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings:
38. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals:
39. Approach everyone who is steadfast:
40. Ecstasy toward the orb:
41. Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize:
42. Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem:
43. Quiescent Nocturnal period:
44. The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo:
45. The primary carol:
46. Embellish the corridors:
47. I’m fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide:
48. I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise:
49. During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight:
50. The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day:
51. The coniferous nativity:
52. What offspring abides thus?:
53. Removed in a bovine feeding trough:
54. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!:
55. Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti:
56. The slight percussionist lad:
57. Father Christmas approaches the metropolis:
58. Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere:
59. The tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere:

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Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Posted in Friday Funny

One of the best mall Santa I have ever seen works at the Bonnie Doon Shopping Centre just down the street from where we live. People come from all over the city and beyond, to get their picture taken with this Santa.

Not all malls are that fortunate. Here’s how you know you have a bad mall Santa:

• Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho,” he exclaims “Oy vey!”
• You recognize him as a former NHL star doing community service hours.
• He asks the mothers to sit in his lap.
• He avoids the food court unless his lawyer is present.
• He refers to the wishing fountain as his “tip jar.”
• He won’t talk to the kids without a disclaimer.
• He asks the kids to leave him milk and ATM cards.
• He becomes the new spokesperson for a cigarette lobby group.
• Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them.
• His picture is on the wall in the post office.

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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?”

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man after-shave or deodorant. Men do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Home Depot, John Deere, Goodyear Tire, and Napa Auto Parts. ANYTHING you buy from these stores is gonna work. It doesn’t even matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #11: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.”

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope.

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42%

This quiz was provided by – Search & Social – Media Experts

Recommended: Zen to Done Productivity eBook The Ultimate Simple Productivity System

Image by iLoveButter via Flickr

This is a David Letterman oldie that has been around the block a few times. If you’re still feeling the effects of yesterday’s turkey dinner, this one’s for you.

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World’s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to “back off!”

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy.

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Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

Posted in Friday Funny

Many of you are up to your neck in Christmas shopping. One week from today is Black Friday, a day of shopping madness. As you are out and about in stores, use this handy guide to help you understand what retail-sales clerks really mean.

1. “Can I help you find a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)

2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. “Welcome to __________”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. “Thank you for shopping at _____________”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get the ladder for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)

9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)

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