Ask Questions the Right Way to Solve Conflict
Choosing the right words and setting an respectful tone are important to the success of issue-based problem-solving. It is intended to set the stage for discussion, not for interrogation. Remember, you’re talking with people not to or at them.
Start with open-ended questions
It’s not just the words we use, but the way we ask a question that influences the answer. It can even determine whether we get an answer. In understanding another person’s point of view, you need to use open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions:
- include who, what, where, when, why and how and start with phrases like “Could you help me understand,” or “explain to me.”
- usually require more than a yes or no answer.
Examples of open-ended questions:
- How would you like to see this situation work out?
- What do you want us to do to help you?
- Why do you think things are the way they are?
With these kinds of questions you give the other person flexibilty on how to respond. The person being asked the question feels less threatened than if asked, “Why did you say that?” or “Why didn’t you do that?” You soften the effect of these questions by starting with an expression such as “Could you help me understand…?” or “What do you think about…?”
Avoid leading questions such as “Don’t you think I have a valid point?” Rather than back someone into a corner, provide them with an “out”—for example: “What do you think has happened here?”. This question is less likely to result in a “yes” or “no” response.
Ask one question at a time
Rapid-fire questions make you sound hostile and it is likely some of the questions (and answers) will get lost.
Reflect, repeat and rephrase
Once you get a reply, restate the other person’s answer. Rephrase in your own words starting with something like, “Tell me if I’ve understood you correctly?”
Words that acknowledge the other person’s perspective (“I hear what you’re saying.” “This is what I’m hearing.”) can help bridge differences.
Not only will this increase the odds of avoiding a misunderstanding, it also shows you are listening.
Make sure you are listening
Good communication is two-sided—sometimes we talk and sometimes we listen. It is also balanced; everyone participates. You need to share your information and point of view while questioning, reflecting, repeating and rephrasing what the other person is saying to you.
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Comments
Great post!! I will try to remember the open ended questions when I have an upset parent or students this year. Your questions would definitely diffuse the hostile situation.
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Hi Ian.
This is a well written straight to the point easy to read article that all managers should read.
Asking the right questions is very powerful, and if you yet have not tried it. Do practice. Write down five-six open ended questions and memorize them. And do try to do two different taks with one person. First do talk with only yes and no questions, and the next time talk with only open ended questions. You will experience first hand the great benefit of asking the right questions.