Ian's Messy Desk

In the background of church development in this country, counseling by members of the clergy as an outreach to the congregation has always been present in some form. However, in the foreground of legal development, we have seen the adoption, on a state-by-state basis, of various statutes and causes of action that appear to be directed toward limiting the public's access to providers of counseling services and providing avenues of relief for those harmed by the fault of their counselors.

As time passes, it appears that the traditional deference that our states have afforded to counseling efforts by members of the clergy will be further eroded. Specifically, states have taken three steps in the area of regulating counseling activities that clergy members must be aware of if their communications with individuals of their congregations reach any depth beyond casual conversation.

1. States have defined by statute what they consider to be the provision of mental-health services and, similarly, who is to be considered a mental-health-services provider.

2. States have implemented strict regulations for the provision of mental-health services.

3. States have recognized and fostered numerous remedies, through statute or common law, addressing malpractice issues arising in the context of the counseling services. [read more]

We all face the fact that there are times when we demands on our time that exceeds our ability to handle them. Learning to say "No" is a critical --yet difficult-- skill that needs to be mastered. Taking on more than you can manage only leads to frustration as nothing gets done very well. Here are a list of web articles on learning to say no:

• Oprah.com >>http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_08.jhtml
• The New Nation >>http://nation.ittefaq.com/artman/publish/article_21344.shtml
• Web4Health >>http://web4health.info/en/answers/child-say-no.htm
• Detroit News >>http://www.detnews.com/2005/money/0507/23/C02-250668.htm
• SmartBiz >>http://www.smartbiz.com/article/articleview/615/1/3/
• Life in Motion >>http://www.lifeinmotioncoaches.com/articles_files/page0005.htm

Yesterday, Glenda and I went out to a local Lebanese restaurant, for supper. As we looked over the menu, it occurred to me that the traditional Lebanese dishes were designed to be shared by a group. Four would be better than two, six better than four, eight better than... well, you get the picture. Earlier this week, watching some Italian cooking from David Rocco on Food TV, I had similar thoughts about this kind of "group" eating.

A couple of days ago, Richard Hall posted "A Weighty Issue", his comments on the increasing obesity of Americans and Brits. (I'll add Canadians to that pile on the scales.) As we sat in the restaurant last night, I wondered if one of the causes for this increasing obesity is the loss of the communal meal. Traditional weight-loss wisdom says that you can help the process along by eating more slowly. Your body needs time to register that you are full.

Once upon a time, a meal was an event, not just a quick fueling between points on a schedule. Whether it was the family coming in from the field (or home from the factory or office) at the end of the day or the extended-family/community celebrating, the meal was a place of sharing, fellowship, laughter, tears and love. In other words, something that took time. Now, we drive through for hamburgers, because our next event begins in 17 minutes or we plop ourselves down in front of the television, plate in lap, prepared to ignore family for the vacuous noise coming from the box.

I particularly wonder if we in the Church have not lost the art of gathering together to "break bread". Scattered thoughout the New Testament are references to the early believers sharing a meal as part of their fellowship and worship. Now, our church schedules are so full that families are giving up the dinner table for the rush-through window at McDonald's or Wendy's, our "coffee and fellowship" is relegated to 15 minutes before the morning service begins and what meals we do share as a community are tightly regimented to the greater schedule.

Maybe we need to take a leaf from the Slow Food movement and make the meal a focus for community. Not an excess of food for gluttony's sake, but sufficient time to get to know family, friends and neighbours. Not a display of gastromonic superiority, but humble sharing. Not racing out the door to the weekly learn-to-share-your-faith class, but showing Christ by exercising the gift of hospitality.

It's time to slow down and smell the pasta.

1. Explain the situation as you see it
2. Describe how it is affecting performance
3. Ask for the other viewpoint to be explained
4. Agree on the problem
5. Explore and discuss possible solutions
6. Agree on what each person will do to solve the problem
7. Set a date for follow up

by: Steve Brunkhorst

A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support. Here are seven power skills that will help you form stronger alliances and bring more closeness, authenticity and trust to your relationships.

1. Relax Optimistically

If you are comfortable around others, they will feel comfortable around you. If you appear nervous, others will sense it and withdraw. If you are meeting someone for the first time, brighten up as if you’ve rediscovered a long-lost friend. A smile will always be the most powerful builder of rapport. Communicating with relaxed optimism, energy and enthusiasm will provide a strong foundation for lasting relationships.

2. Listen Deeply

Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects us emotionally with our communication partner. Listen to what the person is not saying as well as to what he or she is saying. Focus intently and listen to the messages conveyed behind and between words.

Listen also with your eyes and heart. Notice facial expressions and body postures, but see beneath the surface of visible behaviors. Feel the range of emotions conveyed by tone of voice and rhythm of speech. Discern what the person wants you to hear and also what they want you to feel.

3. Feel Empathetically

Empathy is the foundation of good two-way communication. Being empathetic is seeing from another person’s perspective regardless of your opinion or belief. Treat their mistakes as you would want them to treat your mistakes. Let the individual know that you are concerned with the mistake, and that you still respect them as a person. Share their excitement in times of victory, and offer encouragement in times of difficulty. Genuine feelings of empathy will strengthen the bond of trust.

4. Respond Carefully

Choose emotions and words wisely. Measure your emotions according to the person’s moods and needs. Words can build or destroy trust. They differ in shades of meaning, intensity, and impact. What did you learn when listening deeply to the other individual? Reflect your interpretation of the person’s message back to them. Validate your understanding of their message.

Compliment the person for the wisdom and insights they’ve shared with you. This shows appreciation and encourages further dialogs with the individual. A response can be encouraging or discouraging. If you consider in advance the impact of your emotions and words, you will create a positive impact on your relationships.

5. Synchronize Cooperatively

When people synchronize their watches, they insure that their individual actions will occur on time to produce an intended outcome. Relationships require ongoing cooperative action to survive and thrive.

As relationships mature, the needs and values of the individuals and relationship will change. Career relationships will require the flexibility to meet changing schedules and new project goals. Cooperative actions provide synchrony and build trusting alliances. They are part of the give and take that empowers strong, enduring relationships.

6. Act Authentically

Acting authentically means acting with integrity. It means living in harmony with your values. Be yourself when you are with someone else. Drop acts that create false appearances and false security.

When you act authentically, you are honest with yourself and others. You say what you will do, and do what you say. Ask for what you want in all areas of your relationships. Be clear about what you will tolerate. Find out what your relationship partners want also. Being authentic creates mutual trust and respect.

7. Acknowledge Generously

Look for and accentuate the positive qualities in others. Humbly acknowledge the difference that people make to your life. Validate them by expressing your appreciation for their life and their contributions. If you let someone know that they are valuable and special, they will not forget you. Showing gratitude and encouragement by words and actions will strengthen the bonds of any relationship.

Don’t forget to acknowledge your most important relationship: the relationship with yourself. Acknowledge your own qualities, and put those qualities into action. You cannot form a stronger relationship with others than you have with yourself. You will attract the qualities in others that are already within you.

Ask yourself: What thoughts and behaviors will attract the kind of relationships I desire? What is one action I could take today that would empower my current relationships?

Write down all the qualities or behaviors that you desire for your relationships. Select the power skills that will attract those qualities. Keep a journal of the actions you take and the progress you make. By turning these skills into lifelong habits, you will build relationships that are healthy, strong and mutually rewarding.

About The Author
© Copyright 2004 by Steve Brunkhorst. Steve is a life success coach, and the creator of Achieve! 60-Second Nuggets of Inspiration, a popular mini-zine bringing great stories, motivational nuggets, and inspiring thoughts to help you achieve more in your career and personal life. Subscribe today by visiting Steve’s site at http://www.AchieveEzine.com

1. If the lights are off — say, at the movies or theater — make sure you turn your phone off, too (or simply put it on “vibrate”) so that you won’t interrupt others’ viewing and listening pleasure. As the saying goes, “If God calls you, He won’t be using Telus(r).”
2. Keep your cell phone turned off when you’re in a sacred place like a church, temple, or at a funeral or wedding ceremony.
3. Always comply when you’re asked to turn off your cell phone in an airplane. The flight attendants are much more diplomatic than the Air Marshalls.
4. Be aware of your surroundings. Never give out private information (credit card numbers, PIN numbers, your address, etc.) while talking in a public place.
5. Use your cell phone as a safety tool when you see an accident, fire, or some other life-threatening situation. Phone 911.
6. Always ask permission to take someone’s picture with your camera phone. The photo you take could infringe on someone else’s privacy. And one day you could be the subject!
7. If you receive a call while you’re in public and are already engaged in an activity or a conversation, remember to politely excuse yourself before you answer the call.
8. Stop shouting. It’s not necessary for everyone within earshot to know that your kid’s gerbil, “Fluffy” died. Speak with normal-voice volume, or you’ll annoy others around you… including the person on the other end.
9. Quick shut-off: many models allow you to simply hit your “END” button three times to instantly hang up and power off your phone.
10. Use your caller ID and voice mail features. This way you can both see who’s calling and also receive messages when you’re too busy to answer.

I keep a little human resources’ blog on the side. Among the RSS feed subscriptions is About Human Resources, with Susan M. Heathfield. Among her many pages is a list of articles and resources that can help improve interpersonal communication.

• Provide Feedback That Has an Impact
• Receive Feedback With Grace and Dignity
  
• Leadership and Management Success Tips: Communication (Com-2)
  
• Leadership and Management Success Tips: Communication (Com-1)
  
• How to Demonstrate Respect at Work
  
• Inspirational Quotes for Business and Work: Respect

Today is the fifth day of the fifth month of the fifth year (actually the sixth) of this century. Rosa suggests some actions to “commemorate these three sets of zeros and fives.” Give ‘em a try!

Introducing the Office Supply Valentine

“Martha is so right: Nothing says “I love you” like a handmade card. Of course, while she and her set stamp block-printed daisies and butterflies on fancy stationery, we like to think ReadyMakers can reach a little higher. Done right, a few tiny tokens of affection can make a big impact, and what’s more, you can make them the day before out of everyday materials from your employer’s supply closet. So get to work: These confidential memos will have your loved one gently prying open the seal with trembling fingers-and you won’t have to run all over town to make his or her heart soar.”

[from Ready Made]

Do you ever find yourself falling into any of these habits?

1. Interrupting the speaker.
   
2. Not looking at the speaker.
   
3. Rushing the speaker and making him feel that he’s wasting the listener’s time.
   
4. Showing interest in something other than the conversation.
   
5. Getting ahead of the speaker and finishing her thoughts.
   
6. Not responding to the speaker’s requests.
   
7. Saying, “Yes, but . . .,” as if the listener has made up his mind.
   
8. Topping the speaker’s story with “That reminds me. . .” or “That’s nothing, let me tell you about. . .”
   
9. Forgetting what was talked about previously.
   
10. Asking too many questions about details.

[from the International Listening Association]

Bene Diction has posted some good thoughts on handling conflict in the blogging world (and beyond).

The last of the posts on customer service are up at business thoughts. Today it’s a two-part look from husband and wife Dave and Rosemary Rothacker. Rosemary posts Customer Service: Jim and Dave The Voluptuous Princess.

Incidentally, if you want to see the HVAC business “kicked up a notch” (or two), check out Dave’s Area 51 HVAC.

Yesterday I pointed to the Beatitudes of Customer Service posted at Business Thoughts. This was part two of a five-part series called Customer Service: How Can it Improve? Part one was Customer Service: How to Fix it? Part three was posted today, and is an excerpt from the book “Managing with Aloha” by Rosa Say. Make sure to check back tomorrow and Friday for parts four and five.

Update: Part four is here.

Tags: customer service

Brendon Connelly has posted some useful thoughts on customer service over at Business Thoughts. Using the Beatitudes as a lens through which to view the customer and oneself. This exercise is not merely to improve the transaction, but to develop a deeper understanding of people.

you…?

Mike Benson poses some good questions for thought and action.