Ian's Messy Desk

"I'm going fishing."
Really means ... "I'm going to go and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
Really means ... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means. ... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Have you lost weight?'
Really means ... "I've just spent our last $130 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means ... "I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
Really means ... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means ... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means ... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means ... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means ... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means ... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means ... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
Really means ... "What did you catch me at?"

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means ... "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means ... "No one will ever see us alive again."

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

9. No sentence fragments.

10. Don't use no double negatives.

11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

I've got my first song written —at least the lyrics— with help from the Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator. I'll soon be able to quit my day job ;->

"Will to Live"

I feel miserable
Terminals make me ill
I feel miserable 
Stewards tear at my foundations
I feel miserable
Carrousels are dragging me down to the depths of misery
I want to die

Is it because of flying that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Or am I lost in tale of Eliot, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.

Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Debbie Broke My Will to Live

I feel miserable
Wings rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable 
Runways defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Airports are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die

Is it because of flying that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Am I lost in tale of Eliot, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.

Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Oh God, Debbie Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Debbie Broke My Will to Live

1. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

2. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

3. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

5. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

7. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

9. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A backward poet writes inverse.

12. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

13. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

14. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

15. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

16. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

17. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

21. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

22. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

23. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Originally posted January 24, 2003

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.

From Mikey's Funnies

Daily Homework Policy

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night: This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like students
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the "TV Guide"
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

Long-term Homework Policy

• These assignments are always given the night before they are due. This explains "long-term."
• It is a long-term commitment to the time it takes to finish it, which usually begins at 9:30 p.m. and ends at 11:50 p.m....or later.
• It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
• It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal-Mart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).
• One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
• It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

Don't push the red button!

1. Herman's Hermits-- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr-- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack-- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A White Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer-- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations-- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba-- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando-- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy-- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson-- On the Throne Again
17. Leslie Gore-- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

from Mikey's Funnies

For today's funny I'll point you to Mike Todd who points to some lists at McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

Dwayne has a couple of posts on Product Warnings for Physicists, Part 1 and Part 2. I didn't pass high school physics, let alone anything more advanced, so I don't "get" all of these. Those I do get, are pretty funny.

• Free Yorkshire Terrier 8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
• Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
• Free Puppies: Part German Shepherd Part Stupid Dog
• German Shepherd - 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
• Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• 2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
• Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto Excellent Condition, $6,800.
• 83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000
• Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
• Full-Sized Mattress 20 Year Warranty Like New! Slight urine smell.
• FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
• Nordic Track $300 Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
• Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products"
• Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
• HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever! "If it's in stock, we have it!"
• Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
• Georgia Peaches California Grown - $.89/lb.
• Nice Parachute Never Opened - Used Once Slightly Stained
• American Flag 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
• Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
• Exercise Equipment Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
• Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob! And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
• Open House! Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee & Donuts
• Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

Tags: humour, humor