Ian's Messy Desk

"I'm going fishing."
Really means ... "I'm going to go and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
Really means ... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means. ... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Have you lost weight?'
Really means ... "I've just spent our last $130 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means ... "I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
Really means ... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means ... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means ... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means ... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means ... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means ... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means ... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
Really means ... "What did you catch me at?"

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means ... "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means ... "No one will ever see us alive again."

In the background of church development in this country, counseling by members of the clergy as an outreach to the congregation has always been present in some form. However, in the foreground of legal development, we have seen the adoption, on a state-by-state basis, of various statutes and causes of action that appear to be directed toward limiting the public's access to providers of counseling services and providing avenues of relief for those harmed by the fault of their counselors.

As time passes, it appears that the traditional deference that our states have afforded to counseling efforts by members of the clergy will be further eroded. Specifically, states have taken three steps in the area of regulating counseling activities that clergy members must be aware of if their communications with individuals of their congregations reach any depth beyond casual conversation.

1. States have defined by statute what they consider to be the provision of mental-health services and, similarly, who is to be considered a mental-health-services provider.

2. States have implemented strict regulations for the provision of mental-health services.

3. States have recognized and fostered numerous remedies, through statute or common law, addressing malpractice issues arising in the context of the counseling services. [read more]

'Mud, Mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
So follow me, follow
Down to the hollow
And there let us wallow in glorious mud'

The fair Hippopotama he aimed to entice
From her seat on that hilltop above
As she hadn't got a Ma to give her advice
Came tiptoeing down to her love.
Like thunder the forest re-echoed the sound
of the song that they sang when they met
His inamorata adjusted her garter
And lifted her voice in duet (in Russian)

(in Russian, DS sings, MF translates)

'Mud, Mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
So follow me, follow
Down to the hollow
And there let us wallow in glorious mud'

That should improve our cultural relations

The bold Hippopotami began to convene
On the banks of that river so wide
I wonder, now, what am I to say of the scene
That ensued by the Swhalimar side?
They dived all at once, with an ear-splitting splosh
Then rose to the surface again
A regular army
of Hippopotami
All singing this haunting refrain:

'Mud, Mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
So follow me, follow
Down to the hollow
And there let us wallow in glorious mud'

link 

"Hey kids, guess what daddy stumbled onto? Internet Theology Resources, by School of Theology Major Areas Local Theology/Religion Resources" [Heal Your Church Web Site]

-- By: Dr. Donald E. Wetmore

Do you sometimes feel a little bit out of control during your workday, wish you had more time to do the really important things or feel like you are doing a lot of wheel-spinning on non-productive items? You are not alone. Eighty-five percent of people in the workplace have similar complaints and part of the remedy is better control of our day through more effective Time Management.

The answer is not to work harder but to work smarter. Successful people do not necessarily put in more hours but, instead, work their time in a more efficient manner to get more done in less time.

Planning is the most important step in effective Time Management. Three easy rules can be followed to help you to significantly improve your productivity each day, which translates into getting more done in less time.

Make a "to-do" list on a clean sheet of paper or in your day planner, such as a Daytimer. List all items you would like to complete today, if time permits.

Prioritize the "to-do" list. Select from the list the most important item to be done. Ask yourself, "If I could only do one item today, which would it be?" Making a "to-do" list is an important first step but prioritizing that list ensures that we focus on the more important items rather than giving in to the temptation of working on the less important items because they may stand out more or because they are easier to do.

Follow this process every day. For example, yesterday's item #9 may become today's item #1. If you are working off yesterday's "to-do" list, that important item may not receive attention. Daily planning will sharpen daily focus as priorities shift with each day.

These three rules will help you to significantly improve your performance each and every day and will help to reduce that free-falling feeling. You will find you are getting more done in less time and you will feel more productive and less stressed each day. [read the complete article]

A big part of being organized is being able to define the problem at hand. Just jumping right into a solution, rarely works. There may be a dozen different solutions, but only one of those solutions will be the very best one for you.

To find the very best solution, the problem you have must first be clear in your mind, and in the mind of anyone trying to help you.

A problem that is clearly defined, is 50% solved.

Ask yourself questions. For example, let's say your office is cluttered. You might ask yourself . . .

1. How did my office get so cluttered?

2. Is anyone else, besides me, contributing to the clutter?

3. What are my systems for completing projects or going through the mail?

4. How much time do I currently invest in keeping the clutter out of my office?

Once you come up with some answers to your questions, the solution should begin appearing. Keep this in mind when it comes to your organizing projects, and any other projects that you may have. If you do, you're well on your way to being organized

I've been working to do my bit for the One-Tonne Challenge. Mostly, I've reduced the amount of driving I do each week. However, Glenda will probably tell you I'm meeting the challenge by keeping the household temperature around the "refrigerator" level. (Not so, I say.) Here are some energy-saving tips courtesy of Owens Corning, the Pink Fiberglas people.

(NC)—"Most Canadians are concerned with protecting the environment but many don't know that one of the best ways to help reduce personal greenhouse gas emissions is by properly insulating your home. A well insulated home uses less energy for heating and cooling, which in turn reduces greenhouse gas emissions produced from energy use and saves money on energy bills," says Pierre Cyr, Insulation Expert, Owens Corning.

Recently, the Government of Canada introduced the One-Tonne Challenge – a program designed to motivate Canadians to reduce their personal annual greenhouse gas emissions by one tonne. Every year each Canadian produces an average of five tonnes of greenhouse gases, of which 29 per cent results from space heating and cooling*.

Follow these simple steps to maximize your home's energy efficiency and you'll be well on your way to meeting the One-Tonne Challenge:

Upgrade your insulation

Upgrading insulation is one of the easiest do-it-yourself projects and is one of the best ways to maximize the energy efficiency of your home. In fact, insulating your attic and basement walls can reduce your energy bill by as much as 28 per cent. When purchasing insulation products, look for the GREENGUARD logo. Products meeting the strict standards of the GREENGUARD Environmental Institute, such as Owens Corning PINK FIBERGLAS insulation, are certified to help maintain better, cleaner indoor air quality. For more information on do-it-yourself insulation renovations, consult an expert at a local building supply store or call 1-800-GET-PINK.

Regulate household temperature

During winter, for every 1°C you lower your thermostat, you save 2 per cent on your heating bill. A reduction of 3°C at night and when you are away during the day provides optimal savings. During the summer, set your air conditioner at 24°C and raise it when you go out. For each degree set below 24°C you use 3 to 5 per cent more energy. Following these recommendations will provide the most comfort for the least cost*.

Install an energy efficient furnace

An energy efficient furnace can save up to 25 per cent* of your home heating costs each year, significantly reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

Install a ceiling fan

Ceiling fans help to maintain an even temperature throughout the house and are particularly beneficial for homes with high ceilings. Ensuring an even temperature distribution throughout the house minimizes the effort required for you and your furnace to regulate household temperatures.

"Most Canadians are already very conscious of conserving energy, but why not go one step further and upgrade your home's insulation," encourages Mr. Cyr. "Reducing your energy consumption will save you money while helping to meet the goals of the One-Tonne Challenge."

For more information on household insulation, call 1-800-GET-PINK or visit www.owenscorning.ca.

* www.climatechange.gc.ca/onetonne

- News Canada

Macleans.ca | Culture | Reege and The Donald pair up on Regis Philbin Christmas Album

NEW YORK (AP) - Here's something you don't hear every day: Regis Philbin and Donald Trump singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

The duet by the daytime talk-show host and the real estate mogul-TV reality star is featured on The Regis Philbin Christmas Album, Hollywood Records announced Tuesday.

USATODAY.com - Bible written for cellphones

Bible written for cellphones
ADELAIDE, Australia (AP) — "In da Bginnin God cre8d da heavens & da earth."

That's according to a new version of the Bible translated into the text message language of cellphone users.

The Bible Society in Australia on Thursday launched its translation of all 31,173 verses of the Bible in the modern, abbreviated language of text messages.

link from TP! Wire Service

(click for full size)

SANDY FOSTER Quintet @ 2005 WCMA Festival (Vancouver, BC)

Showcasing a selection of songs from Marooned & Orangify along with a brand new original,

Foster will be joined by Kevin Andrews (drums), Matt Day (keys), Wes Yaciuk (guitar), and René Worst (bass).

Foster is one of 13 Albertan acts to perform. All of the over 60 live acts are chosen across all provinces and all genres.

The 3rd annual Western Canadian Music Awards in Vancouver promises to be an exciting event of national and international significance. The Western Canadian Music Festival will feature more than 60 live acts and will be held in premiere venues in downtown Vancouver. Western Canadian Music Awards (WCMA) is the primary event hosted by the Western Canadian Music Alliance (WCMA). Each year the event will be held in a different province, on a rotating basis. Last year's event was held in Calgary, AB. The 2005 WCMA's will be held in Vancouver, BC, Thursday October 20 to Sunday October 23, 2005. The WCMA Artistic Awards 2005: Celebrating the best of the West! will be hosted by Michael Eckford and Fiona Forbes of TV's Urban Rush at the Commodore Ballroom - 868 Granville Street, Vancouver, BC. A limited number of tickets will be available at Ticketmaster.

Please visit the official WCMA website at www.westerncanadianmusicawards.ca for further information on artists showcasing

A new blog from the editors of Leadership magazine.

link from B.D.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

9. No sentence fragments.

10. Don't use no double negatives.

11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Office Depot Online has a number of business resources listed under the Business Tools section of their web-site.

1. To join two independent clauses, use a comma followed by a conjunction, a semicolon alone, or a semicolon followed by a sentence modifier.

2. Use commas to bracket nonrestrictive phrases, which are not essential to the sentence's meaning.

3. Do not use commas to bracket phrases that are essential to a sentence's meaning.

4. When beginning a sentence with an introductory phrase or an introductory (dependent) clause, include a comma.

5. To indicate possession, end a singular noun with an apostrophe followed by an "s". Otherwise, the noun's form seems plural.

6. Use proper punctuation to integrate a quotation into a sentence. If the introductory material is an independent clause, add the quotation after a colon. If the introductory material ends in "thinks," "saying," or some other verb indicating expression, use a comma.

7. Make the subject and verb agree with each other, not with a word that comes between them.

8. Be sure that a pronoun, a participial phrase, or an appositive refers clearly to the proper subject.

9. Use parallel construction to make a strong point and create a smooth flow.

10. Use the active voice unless you specifically need to use the passive.

11. Omit unnecessary words.

[from a Google cache of the now unavailable page >>http://www.junketstudies.com/rulesofw/]]

Everything you need to know and more about the upcoming Disney release, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis.

Link from Kathy

• E-mail
  • Use the two-minute rule to process your e-mail. If it takes less than two minutes to answer a message, do it then file or delete the message.
  • Use folders to organize messages.
  • IMMEDIATELY delete any messages you do not need to keep.
  • Use follow-up flags or dated calendar alarms to bring forward e-mail when it needs attention.
• Voice Mail
  • Review your voice messages, take notes and delete them.
  • Respond to those that fit the two-minute rule.
  • Schedule the others for follow-up, as appropriate.
• Postal mail
  • Open your post once a day.
  • Toss the junk or the unneeded paper into the bin.
  • Use the two-minute rule.
  • File those that are just for information. Delegate what you can. Place in rest in a follow-up system, so that it comes to your attention, when you need it and not before.

The Twelfth Van Cliburn International Piano Competition: In the Heart of Music, a 90-minute documentary about the Twelfth Van Cliburn International Piano Competition, premieres this week on PBS affiliates across the country. Produced in stunning high-definition format, the documentary provides an intimate look at the world-famous music competition, documenting the experiences of young pianists from around the globe who are brought together to compete in one of the world's most prestigious piano competitions. The production also features Director James Conlon, the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra and the Takács Quartet.

For more information about the documentary, click here.

A table's function is to convey—in as few words as possible—the important points your readers are looking for. The key objectives of your proposal will look great in a table; your entire Web page can be built in a table; your sales projections for 2003 can be prettied up; and your primary research factors can be introduced in a table.

Use these 11 tips—ranging from simple to sophisticated—to help get started showing off your data in a new, tabular way. [Katherine Murray]

Feeling even more shame than Richard, I have pulled the contact form out from under that stack of papers on Ian's Messy Desk. ;)

I've got my first song written —at least the lyrics— with help from the Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator. I'll soon be able to quit my day job ;->

"Will to Live"

I feel miserable
Terminals make me ill
I feel miserable 
Stewards tear at my foundations
I feel miserable
Carrousels are dragging me down to the depths of misery
I want to die

Is it because of flying that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Or am I lost in tale of Eliot, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.

Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Debbie Broke My Will to Live

I feel miserable
Wings rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable 
Runways defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Airports are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die

Is it because of flying that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Am I lost in tale of Eliot, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.

Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Debbie Broke My Will to Live
Oh God, Debbie Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Debbie Broke My Will to Live

GeoURL is a location-to-URL reverse directory. This will allow you to find URLs by their proximity to a given location. Find your neighbor's blog, perhaps, or the web page of the restaurants near you.

Vitamins for the Mind by Jim Rohn

1. Take time to gather up the past so that you will be able to draw from your experiences and invest them in the future.
2. Don't let the learning from your own experiences take too long. If you have been doing it wrong for the last ten years, I would suggest that's long enough!
3. Life is not just the passing of time. Life is the collection of experiences and their intensity.
4. It's easy to carry the past as a burden instead of a school. It's easy to let it overwhelm you instead of educate you.
5. Be like a sponge when it comes to each new experience. If you want to be able to express it well, you must first be able to absorb it well.

1. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

2. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

3. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

4. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

5. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

6. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

7. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

9. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A backward poet writes inverse.

12. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

13. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

14. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

15. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

16. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

17. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

21. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

22. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

23. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Originally posted January 24, 2003

VERSE:
Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. --Proverbs 19:20-21

THOUGHT:
Charles Dickens wrote, in The Mystery of Edwin Drood, "Man proposes, heaven disposes." Most of us are quick to give advice or to make big plans. Proverbs reminds us that wisdom comes from taking the time to accept instruction. Only then will wisdom come. As we pray for wisdom, we need to pray for patience to wait for, and insight to recognize God's purpose.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction." —Blaise Pascal

I'll bet you didn't know these handy little wipes have a museum in Holt, Michigan. However, if Holt is not on your next visit to cultural hot-spots, you can visit the Moist Towelette Museum on-line.

link from Slashfood

Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but Thou art mighty;
Hold me with Thy powerful hand.
Bread of Heaven, Bread of Heaven,
Feed me till I want no more;
Feed me till I want no more.

Open now the crystal fountain,
Whence the healing stream doth flow;
Let the fire and cloudy pillar
Lead me all my journey through.
Strong Deliverer, strong Deliverer,
Be Thou still my Strength and Shield;
Be Thou still my Strength and Shield.

Lord, I trust Thy mighty power,
Wondrous are Thy works of old;
Thou deliver’st Thine from thralldom,
Who for naught themselves had sold:
Thou didst conquer, Thou didst conquer,
Sin, and Satan and the grave,
Sin, and Satan and the grave.

When I tread the verge of Jordan,
Bid my anxious fears subside;
Death of deaths, and hell’s destruction,
Land me safe on Canaan’s side.
Songs of praises, songs of praises,
I will ever give to Thee;
I will ever give to Thee.

Musing on my habitation,
Musing on my heav’nly home,
Fills my soul with holy longings:
Come, my Jesus, quickly come;
Vanity is all I see;
Lord, I long to be with Thee!
Lord, I long to be with Thee! —William Williams

Help me, Lord, to remember that religion is not to be confined to the church... nor exercised only in prayer and meditation, but that every where I am in Thy Presence. -- Susanna Wesley